Maybe I like going through existential angst. I sure do get there a lot, at least when I’m out of balance. I’m a Libra, if you believe in such things. Our sign is the scales, balance, peace and harmony. I feel out of balance like I’ve been driving with a flat tire. Two flat tires. There are some conclusions that one has to keep coming back to before they accept them. These seem to be mine: 1) No Misery Is Worth It. I just hope I remember that next time. 2) Recognize the cycle: I’m going crazy now, I’ve gone crazy before and I’ll go crazy again.
I need an expressive outlet soon or I will explode. You only suppress yourself, but I feel that it is a taught trait. I was taught. I often say that I am the reincarnation of my mom’s free spirit, if you believe in such things. My mom would have been a crazy hippie, had she not been raised Mormon. I recently stole a book from her on the uses of herbs for one’s health. That’s my example. I didn’t really steal the book; I told her I was taking it. I remember once I told my younger brother that I was so mad, and he corrected me, I was angry not mad, because mad was crazy. Now I correct him, we are all mad here. Long term instability can do that. But then I remind myself that there is no security anyway, people bank on the illusion of it, but really any day now Yellowstone could blow, and then what would we do? The western half of the United States would be under ash! That would complicate things. But until it does I have to trudge along and feed myself.